a dad’s

The Story of Ellen’s Birth, as recounted by Charles

Ellen  was born at 11:01 AM on Monday, November 10th. She weighs 8 pounds 10 ounces and is 21 inches long. Louise started some labor about 8 AM this morning which was right about the time that I was leaving for work. She asked if I wanted to wait and see how things went or go ahead in to work and wait for the call. The way things had been going, I figured I’d just go into work. I don’t know when I got the call or when I got home, but I walked through the door and Pat, our son, was standing there with his magnetic fishing pole talking and gesturing at the TV. I gave him my best blank stare (you know the one – the one where I try to look like I understand what you’re saying) and noticed that my wife was on her hands and knees on the couch moaning. I walked over to my wife and in my sweetest husband voice said. “what the hell’s the matter with you?”. Okay, I didn’t say that but it makes for a nice break in the story, huh? Anyway, I asked if she was okay, she moaned some more and I figured I’d better throw the suitcase in the car. After I’d gotten everything loaded (including myself) I noticed that my wife had managed to crawl to our bedroom and climb up on the bed. Again, I asked if there was anything I could do, she moaned, I said okay, and walked out of the room. About this time, my hero burst through the front door. You guessed it. TERRI THE DOULA. Here was someone who understood my need, dare I say my innate drive, to avoid having to become involved in the intimate details of birth. Terri flapped her cape and pushed me aside with an “Out of my way!” I was glad to! She walked in the bedroom took one look at my wife and said, “Um..we should go.” Terri called the hospital and told them that we were on the way and that Louise’s contractions were 3 MINUTES APART. Now I may not be a smart man, but that didn’t sound like I had a whole lot of time to get to the hospital. We loaded Louise up and raced away. Louise was in the back seat on her hands and knees, moaning. I was driving our truck, Terri was following in her car. I only found this out afterward, but of the three of us, I was the only one who thought we were going to actually make it to the hospital! And I drove like a man possessed by the spirit of Dale Earnhardt. I passed, I bumped people into walls. I was racing! With one lap to go…my wife’s water broke and she let out a really big moan. I stepped on the gas. We left for the hospital at 10:45 AM, got to the hospital about 10:57 AM. My wife gave up trying to get to the nurses station just as we stepped inside the hospital. I said, “Oh honey, you can make it come on, we’re almost there.” She replied, “I’m not going to make it.” I looked around helplessly. Fight or flight kicked in! SO I LEFT MY WIFE AND I RAN BACK OUTSIDE. Just as I was contemplating the dire consequences of my decision, my savior reappeared. TERRI -THE DOULA!! With an “out of my way “, she knocked me aside and ran in grabbed my wife and said in her sternest voice said, “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY IN THIS NASTY *** (excuse my French) LOBBY!”

We ran by the admissions office and the admissions lady yelled, “You have to fill out the admissions papers first!” I hesitated, thinking that it would be impolite not to respond and Terri just yelled, “No time for that, this baby is coming!” We flew past the nurses’ station, taking several nurses with us forcibly. I think they got the message, because they went on automatic from there. We got my wife in the room and pants off, and legs up and the nurse checks her, looks up at the other nurses and says, “The baby is right here. Its head is right here!” My wife began to push and 1 minute later, there came the baby! My wife still had on her shirt AND HER SUNGLASSES.

I realized I hadn’t breathed in 15 minutes when I became lightheaded and noticed my hands were cold and blue. 

Everybody is doing well. We’re home. And we realize just how close we came to delivering that baby in the car. 

Thus endeth the lesson.

Charles